What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 15:07
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it wasn’t much.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We all went to grammer schools
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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My life is so biszare .
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
What is the science behind red light therapy?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i lived it daily.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So, i spoilt her more .
Who then, do I blame.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was 9 years of age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I don,t even have a pension.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She married twice! .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I will be 64.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.